


Just Not Right Now

by lizloz



Category: ATEEZ (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-29
Updated: 2021-01-17
Packaged: 2021-03-06 03:35:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 13,257
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25586797
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lizloz/pseuds/lizloz
Summary: Seonghwa and Wooyoung have been unlikely friends for most of their lives. But when Wooyoung introduces his new boyfriend, shy and timid Seonghwa is thrown into a new world that he is not prepared for.Seonghwa x Hongjoong centric
Relationships: Jung Wooyoung/Kim Hongjoong, Jung Wooyoung/Park Seonghwa, Kim Hongjoong/Park Seonghwa
Comments: 10
Kudos: 31





	1. Chapter 1

_‘All I want in this moment is to be with you. To hold you, to kiss you, to love you. And I will. Just not right now.’_

Seonghwa

My phone buzzed repetitively against my side, blocking the little motivation I’d had for doing my homework completely out of my mind and causing me to let out a long sigh. It was Wooyoung.

Woo: SEONGHWA, I MET HIM  
Seonghwaiting: Met who?  
Woo: The ONE  
Seonghwaiting: Wait, a guy?  
Woo: Yeah, at the club last night. He’s a sophomore. 

A part of me wished I had had the guts to go out with them to the club. Wooyoung was always inviting me to these events, but somehow I felt I didn’t belong there. Clubs were for brave ambitious, mostly beautiful people, with fake IDs and money to burn. I had none of those things. The fact that Wooyoung was even still friends with me was a mystery I had yet to grasp. But we had known each other a long time - I guess it was nice that he still valued that.

Seonghwaiting: Wow, from college?  
Woo: Yeah, that’s what a sophomore is dumbass.  
Woo: We’re going on a date tomorrow and then I think I’ll bring him to Scooters.  
Woo: Are you going?

I paused. I would definitely be at Scooters - it was where all of our classmates hung out after school. Would Wooyoung be skipping class for his date? Where were they going? There were a lot of questions, but the one I wanted answered the most was who this sophomore was that had stolen my friend’s heart.

Seonghwaiting: Of course, I’ll be there  
Woo: Great!  
Woo: I can’t wait for you to meet him!  
Seonghwaiting: Me too

———

Scooters was absolutely packed when I arrived. It seemed that not only were our usual group of friends there, but also many from the baseball team too. Had Wooyoung invited all these people? As I pushed my way through the throngs of people to my usual table in the corner by the window, I also noticed some older guys hanging around the girls, clearly chatting them up. They must be the other sophomores - new guys friends. 

“Hey Seonghwa.” As I greeted my friends and waved hello, my eyes still fixed on these new, older guys. Yes, they were tall and muscly, and yes they had a glint in their eye that showed experience - but I had never really understood the fascination with dating older people. Maybe they had a little more on their scoresheet, but underneath it all we were all just the same flesh and blood - the same desires, the same dreams the same faults. Or maybe I just hand’t found the right person yet. Maybe he was 85. 

“Where is Wooyoung?” Analise rocked back on her chair, taking the attention of the extremely tall and well built jock leant against the table with her, and looked at me. It was true, somehow I was usually the source of where Wooyoung was.  
“He said he was going on a date and that he’d meet us here.”  
“Is that why he wasn’t in biology?” Shane looked incredulous. He put his hands to his head and caused a few of the others to laugh.  
*Shane, Wooyoung skipping class isn’t exactly something new.” The girls replied disdainfully.  
“But dude, he must really like this guy if they’re already bunking off together.” 

As if on cue, suddenly the bell to the shop door jingled, sending everyone into silence as we looked to see who was entering. The light from outside shone brightly, blinding us all for a few seconds so I raised my hand to my forehead and peered underneath, to see Wooyoung striding forward towards us. The smile on his face stretched from ear to ear and his left arm was stretched out behind him, holding the hand of another that I still couldn’t see.  
“Come on Joongie!” He teased. The flirtyness in his voice so strong it filled the whole room with his pride. As the other figure was tugged reluctantly forward, finally the door closed behind them and I was able to see both of them.  
“Guys!” Wooyoung said, commanding the attention of the whole room as if he didn’t have it already. “This is Hongjoong!”

My stomach dropped.

I had known since I was about 7 years old that I was gay - ever since Tommy Jones had grasped my hand accidentally under the table in 2nd grade and I had felt a warm feeling in my tummy. It wasn’t something I had ever been shy or scared about. But now I was absolutely sure. 

Immediately my head dropped downwards to look at the table, my hands shooting underneath it to hide their fidgeting. Why was my heart beating faster? Could anyone hear my breathing? Were my ears red? I felt a whole myriad of emotions all at once, but didn’t know what to do with any of them. The rest of the group had responded with a cheer, especially the friends of the new sophomore. Some of them had even stood up, thankfully obscuring me from view as I fought against myself for composure. Had I really never felt this way before? The newness of the sensation was scary, and I didn’t like it. 

“Hey, man, give it a rest.” That was his voice. It sounded manly and commanding, strong and measured. Oh god, I really was going crazy.  
“I’m sorry baby, I just wanted to show you off.” Wooyoung replied after a short pause, probably having something whispered in his ear. I still couldn’t bring myself to look up, so used sound as my vision. The cheers and table banging followed them to a spot diagonally across from me, where conversations were immediately struck up - instantly vulgar. The new guy (what was his name? Hongjoong?) seemed unimpressed by all the pomp and ceremony. You could sense the awkwardness in his voice as he tried to fend off the teasing of his friends and take the attention away from himself. Wooyoung, if he even noticed, didn’t seem to care. When I managed a quick glance up he had his arms hanging loosely around his boyfriend’s neck, almost half sitting on his lap and looking incredibly smug. 

“And then it was love at first sight, right baby?” I caught the end of the conversation, saw Wooyoung lean over to kiss Hongjoong on the cheek and provoke more cheers and hollers, and then watched him lean his head against his shoulder.  
“Hey, can you get me a milkshake? You can have whatever you want too.” At this, the older sophomore was set free, something he actually seemed happy about, and I watched him move quickly over to the counter and lean against it, taking a breath. 

Wow. This was really it. I had really fallen hard for someone just by looking at them. It wasn’t his looks per say - although they were absolutely phenomenal - it was his whole aura. There was something about Hongjoong that radiated confidence, intelligence. I felt like I had known him my whole life, and yet at the same time, wanted to know so much more. 

Now that the attention was away from him somewhat, the tall sophomore allowed his body to relax a little. As he scanned the menu looking for something to buy, I traced my eyes across his defined jawline, slowly moving up to his slender nose and the side view of plump pink lips… I unclenched my hand from the table and almost smacked myself. Control your feelings Seonghwa - this was your best friend’s boyfriend. Hongjoong had now made a choice and leaned forward to get the attention of the server - I tried and failed to avoid looking at his body stretched against the counter and resorted to punching my leg firmly to quell the thoughts inside of me. He smiled as he said his order, causing the server herself to blush (I mean, could you blame her?), and then pulled out what looked to be Wooyoung’s credit card to pay. He already knew the pin? Wow, their relationship really had progressed fast. 

I was busy thinking about the implications of money and relationships, wondering how much of a driving factor it was, so it took me a while to notice that Hongjoong had turned around. I probably should have marvelled at the way he casually leant against the counter, waiting for his drinks to arrive without needing to impatiently tap his finger against the top, or awkwardly rescan the menu again like most people felt the need to. I also probably should have noticed his posture suddenly tighten, his hands gripping the side and his mouth falling open ever so slightly. But I didn’t. Until I raised my head again to find his eyes locked onto mine. 

It was only a second. But that second felt like a complete eternity. As quickly as I had raised my eyes I averted them again, feeling a swooping sensation rush through me like a bolt of lightening. What had that been between us? My hands were now shaking uncontrollably, so I shoved them under the table again. Should I look up once more? I braved it and almost yelped - he was still looking at me. Now I felt like I was under the spotlight - the heat blaring down on me so I felt my skin turn red and my hands sweaty. Look away, look away - don’t let yourself see me like this. Before I had another chance to see, suddenly Wooyoung’s voice called out.

“Hongjoong!” There was a small noise that sounded like Hongjoong falling over, or startling himself and regaining composure. Wooyoung let out a small sigh that only I could make out. “Our drinks are ready.” Now that I knew he wouldn’t be looking at me, I lifted my head up again and saw Hongjoong taking the drinks, somewhat less composed than he had been before. I watched him walk over with baited breath, and was about to exhale when Wooyoung suddenly looked around again.

“Hey, where is Seonghwa?” No, no, no… My friend craned his neck to scan across the diner, concern crossing his face as he searched for me. “He said he would be here…” I slid down as low as I could possibly go in my chair, looking around myself to see if there was any way I could escape. Yes, I had promised Wooyoung I would be here, but that was before the love of my life had turned out to be his new boyfriend. If only he would just miss-  
“-Hey!” Wooyoung’s hand shot out, pointing right at me as he beamed with happiness, “There he is!” 

Crap.

Before I could say or do anything in response, Wooyoung had bounced to his feet, dragging Hongjoong along with him as he rapidly approached. I straightened myself back up in the chair and cleared my throat, not making eye contact with either of them until they were literally at my feet.  
“Hwa!” Wooyoung looked ecstatic to see me. The giant smile across his face did fill me with happiness, but I was also desperately trying to maintain my composure with Hongjoong right beside him. The sophomore was looking at me again like he had done before, barely paying attention to what his boyfriend was doing.  
“You came!” My best friend said.  
“Of course I did.” I replied, flitting my eyeline between the two of them quickly, so I focused on neither for an extended period of time.  
“So this is my Joongie…” Wooyoung continued, suddenly wrapping his arms around Hongjoong and squeezing tightly. As he pressed a kiss to his cheek I noticed the older boy lean away slightly, clearly embarrassed.  
“Nice to meet you” I murmured. I wasn’t sure whether to hold out my hand, plus the other boys arms were trapped anyway by Wooyoung, so I simply nodded my head and smiled nervously. Hongjoong’s face changed slightly upon seeing this, and he smiled back at me. My heart flipped.

“Nice to meet you too.” The older boy suddenly said. Wrestling one of his arms from out of Wooyoung’s grip, it was him who extended a hand forward in greeting. For a second I simply stared at it, wondering if I would be able to hide my emotions if I grasped hold, whether I would hold on too tight and give myself away, but I decided to forgo the hesitation in anticipation of how much it would thrill me. Extending my own hand, we connected in a handshake and I felt like all my cares had rushed away in one instant.  
“I’m so glad you finally got to meet,” Wooyoung said, blissfully unaware of the firework display going on in my head in that moment. I allowed myself a longer eye contact with Hongjoong and found that his gaze completely transfixed me.  
“I heard a lot about you.” Hongjoong spoke once more, still holding my hand and still staring at me with those spellbinding eyes. I knew it would be too obvious if I looked any further, so cast my gaze down to the ground and briefly noticed what could have been a flicker of disappointment in his eyes.  
“Well of course! We are best friends.” Wooyoung reached out to grab hold of my arm, and I realised he had thankfully only seen my eyes looking downwards, and not wistfully at his boyfriend. I began to feel guilty that he was so happy and I wasn’t acknowledging it.  
“Yes, we are.” I replied, smiling warmly at him so he cocked his head to the side and rubbed my forearm.  
“And I told him all about how you captured my heart Joongie!” Wooyoung giggled and I rubbed the back of my neck nervously. Suddenly my friend removed his hand from mine and used it to grab hold of Hongjoong’s cheeks.  
“Isn’t he handsome?” I was forced to look back up again, watching as my friend squeezed the sophomore’s cheeks together and faced him to make a weird pouting face. He turned his head towards me and looked at me with questioning eyes. “Isn’t he?” How was I supposed to answer that? Yes, even with his face currently contorted and in obvious discomfort - Hongjoong was definitely the most handsome boy I had ever seen. But I couldn’t let Wooyoung know that.  
“Well…um…” Wooyoung’s fingers pinched tighter, shaking Hongjoong’s face side to side gently so I wanted to reach out and pry his fingers away - replace them with my own softly cupping his face… God, I had to stop.  
“Yesheisveryhandsome.” I said in a rush. My emotions had reached their breaking point, and I knew I had to get out of the situation before I did something stupid. “You know what? I, um, just remembered that, um, I have to go.” As I stood up, Wooyoung abruptly let go of his boyfriend’s face - something the other boy seemed momentarily relieved about, before he also stood up in a rush.  
“What? Why? Where are you going?” I had already thrown my bag onto my shoulder when Wooyoung grabbed hold of me. He seemed genuinely upset that I was leaving and held onto me even harder than he had his new love. For a second I almost relented, but looking sideways again confirmed to me that I wasn’t ready to be around both of them yet - not when I hadn’t fully figured things out.  
“Er, the library, to work.” I replied. Gently shaking away my best friend’s hand I took a step away and bowed my head. “See you tomorrow Woo.” Before either of them had a chance to say anything further, I rushed past the throngs of excited teenagers and out into the open street. 

——————

When I banged open the door of my house roughly, Mom was making dinner.  
“Seonghwa!” She exclaimed, stopping what she was doing and scolding me. Normally I would have immediately halted, bowing my head in shame and apologising profusely, but today I wasn’t in the mood.  
“Sorry Mom,” I said quickly, ignoring her shouts as I rushed past her and ran up the stairs. My own bedroom door was closed abruptly and I threw myself onto the bed face down.

Why did this have to happen now? Why couldn’t I experience my romantic awakening during college, or at a friend’s wedding? Why did it have to be him? _My best friend’s boyfriend._ The image of Hongjoong’s handsome face flashed into my mind once more and I let out and anguished cry, hitting the sides of my head to try to remove it. 

Suddenly the door to my room behind me opened.  
“Park Seonghwa if you don’t apologise this inst-“ Mom sounded angry, but her words faltered instantly when she saw me lying on the bed. “Honey?” She asked “What’s wrong?”  
“I don’t wanna talk about it.” I murmured into the pillow. I heard her quiet footsteps and then felt the comforting weight of her hand on my back.  
“Did something happen at school?” She asked softly, rubbing my shoulder blades, “did somebody hurt you?”  
“No.” I replied. I turned over and let her sit down on the bed next to me. “It was way worse than that. I fell in love.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please comment if you would like to read more! Also if you found this from twitter let me know because I'm curious haha


	2. Chapter 2

The next few weeks were filled with agony. I tried to push my feelings aside, I really did, but they couldn’t be broken. Every time I saw Hongjoong my heart felt full but broken at the same time - every time he smiled I felt like singing and crying. I knew it was only young love, but to me it felt like everything. Wooyoung seemed blissfully unaware of my struggles and would use every chance to get us all to go out on outings together - something I hated, but also secretly looked forward to every time. It was only at home, or during my part time job, that I ever found any semblance of peace.

“Seonghwa, can you file these for me please?” Sherri the library assistant smiled at me cheerily and I took the stack of books from her with a grin back. Try as she might, she still hadn’t mastered the online library booking system, so it was always my job to classify new entries.   
“Of course!” I replied, starting up the computer and sitting down in the desk chair to begin working. As I started the monotonous, but incredibly therapeutic, process of typing out each barcode number and logging it into the system I breathed a sigh of relief. Here at the library there were just books. Books and books and no-

The bell of somebody entering the almost deserted building rang out, and purely out of routine, I glanced up to see who had entered. My stomach dropped.  
“Seonghwa?” I hadn’t realised my change of position until Sherri commented on it worriedly. My whole body had instantly ducked behind the counter, my stomach pressed against my knees as I desperately tried to hide from the person that was now in the library. “Are you-?”  
“SSSSH!” I hissed, hushing her into silence. It was impossible to tell whether the other person was approaching, so I closed my eyes and prayed that somehow he had wandered into the wrong place, that he would simply leave and not come over. My prayers were not answered.

“Hi, I’m looking for-“ The voice I had grown to know so well sounded behind the counter, then stopped abruptly. A shadow cast over my head. “Seonghwa?” I had two choices. Stay in this position, without moving, until he got bored and finally went away. Or face it. 

“Aha!” Shooting my head upwards, I held aloft a paperclip I had somehow managed to find on the floor and looked at it dramatically. If the others didn’t believe my ridiculous excuse, they decided not to show it.   
“I had been looking for that everywhere…” I mumbled to myself, still not acknowledging the person in front of me. Then, slowly, very slowly, I turned my gaze towards him.   
“It is you!” Hongjoong said. To continue my rouse, I had planned to be surprised, but apathetic towards the sophomore’s unexpected appearance at my place of work. But the sight of him, along with the incredible smile he graced me with, completely threw that plan out of the window.   
“Um…hi.” I managed to stutter. The paperclip was still raised above my head, so I quietly put it on the table and cleared my throat. I noticed Sherri turn away to do something at the other end of the counter and realised she was trying to hold in laughter. 

“Do you work here?” Hongjoong continued, seemingly unaware of my emotional turmoil. He looked incredibly happy to see me, which only made my nervousness increase.   
“Yup.” I replied, now paranoid that my hair was sticking up or I had something on my face. Hongjoong looked perfect as usual - his short hair golden in the harsh lights.   
“Seems like a cool place.” As the older boy glanced around at the building I wondered what he was really doing here. The library wasn’t exactly a throng of public activity, which was one of the reasons why I liked it. Wooyoung was always trying to get me to quit working there.  
“Are you looking for Wooyoung?” I asked suddenly, my thoughts leading me to the question. “He never comes here - he says that libraries are lame.” Hongjoong looked confused.  
“Oh…no, I wasn’t looking for him.” Wow. He really was just here. The thought thrilled me beyond comprehension, but I pushed it down and tried to stay calm. “I am looking for a book though, can you help me?” Awesome. This was something I could do.

“Oh sure,” I went back up to the computer and set up the archive window. “So what you want to do is type in the name of the book you’re looking for, or the author…” As I showed Hongjoong how to search for what he wanted, the older boy leant forward over the counter to get a better look. The close proximity made me stutter for a second, but I thankfully managed to carry on and successfully type in the name of the book.   
“There! The book is in section 23, travel, that’s-“  
“Hey Seonghwa.” As I was pointing out the direction of the section Hongjoong needed, suddenly Sherri appeared again. I looked across at her innocently and saw her smiling. “Why don’t you show your friend where the section is yourself?” Oh god - was she doing what I thought she was doing?   
“Well, um…” My boss’ smile widened and my suspicion was confirmed. Dude, now was not the time to be playing matchmaker!   
“Go on,” she said, still grinning and even motioning with her hands a little, “You know where everything is in this library. I can handle things here.”  
“But the books…” Trying a desperate last attempt, I looked hopelessly down at the pile of books I had been happily registering before Hongjoong had waltzed in and turned everything upside down. Sherri, however, was not to be persuaded.   
“I said, I’ve got it.” She said. Before I could protest any further, hands gently steered me away from the computer and towards the other side of the counter, where Hongjoong stood happily waiting for me.   
“Fine…” I mumbled quietly to myself, although inside my heart was racing. I managed a smile in his direction, before turning around to shoot my boss a look that told her I would never forgive her.   
“Oh, and one more thing!” We had started to move - the journey to the other side of the library seeming like an endless trek, when suddenly Sherri spoke once again. I turned around like a slave fearing punishment. “Whilst you’re over that side, can you put all these books back?”

“And this one goes here…” The stack of books on my trolley was considerably smaller, but my face was still the same shade of red. Sherri had sent me on a mission of complete and utter embarrassment, forcing me to spend an extended period of time alone with Hongjoong. Whilst the majority of me was mortified, there was a growing part of me that found the experience thrilling. Focusing on the books meant that I at least had something to steady and distract myself, and Hongjoong seemed ok with following me dutifully around the rows and rows of books finding the correct spot. Occasionally I would even tell him to wait at the end of a row and then look between the shelves at him in secret. I marvelled at the way he casually leant against the cart, completely unaware of how beautiful he was. Whenever I returned he would smile at me and then look on the list for the next location. It seemed he was a natural.

“So,” Hongjoong asked as I returned back to the cart again, “how long have you worked at the library?” It was a generic question, but the fact that Hongjoong wanted to know anything from me other than where his boyfriend was sent me yet again into a tailspin.  
“Um…” I replied, having to think, but also trying to form coherent words, “I think two years?”  
“I’m surprised I never saw you here before.” For a second I cast my mind back, trying to think of any times I might have seen Hongjoong. Surely I would never erase his face from my memory - surely I would have noticed.   
“The first year I worked mostly at the back,” I said, almost making an explanation for myself, but also wanting to continue the conversation, “you’d be surprised how many things there are to classify and file.”   
“Well it seems interesting,” the older boy replied, “you’re interesting.” 

Had I heard that right? The sentence caught me so off guard that I smashed my foot against the library cart, causing myself to fall forward into it. As I let out a yelp of embarrassment, suddenly Hongjoong was by my side.  
“Are you ok?” He asked, worriedly. I was so mortified I didn’t even look up, just jumped to my feet and brushed myself off quickly.   
“Yesyes I’m fine” was my hurried reply. Hongjoong tried to say something else, but I was already pushing the cart forward, gritting my teeth and cursing my inability to keep my cool.

At the next stop, he tried again.  
“How did you meet Wooyoung?” Ah yes, Wooyoung. Somehow hearing my best friend’s name in this context made me sad. Why did Hongjoong have to meet him? Why couldn’t I have gone to that stupid club, then maybe we would be making out between the shelves instead of putting books in them. Despite my reluctance to bring him back into the conversation, I knew I had to answer.  
“My Mom worked for his Mom.” I said. Hongjoong raised his eyebrows, looking surprised. It was a well known fact that Wooyoung’s parents were one of the richest families in Chicago - their large mansion and my best friend’s array of expensive clothes only served to prove that. What was less known was that my Mom had previously earned her wages cleaning for them.   
“They decided we should probably be friends seeing as we were both the same age. Then Wooyoung got kicked out of the private school he was in so they sent him to mine.”  
“Wooyoung got kicked out?!”  
“Yeah. Apparently he got into a fight with one of the other kids over a watch.” Wooyoung had kind of glossed over his time at Lake Forest, but whatever he had done his parents hadn’t been happy about. Luckily he had adapted to the social structure of Northwest and secured himself (and therefore me) a spot in only the most elite of friendship groups. And now we were here. 

“Wow…” Hongjoong seemed particularly interested in this one piece of information, his gaze drifting away as he laughed to himself and leant against the bookshelf he was standing by. “That’s interesting…” Interesting. Now the word seemed to have less of an effect. A wave of irrational jealousy spread over me and I grabbed hold of a book to try and distract myself. Pentacost… That meant it needed to be on the top shelf. I found the correct location and stretched to try and place the book back on the shelf. Normally I would have to use a ladder, but that meant going back near Hongjoong. As I balanced on my tiptoes and the book wavered just below where it needed to be, suddenly a hand reached out and grabbed it from me. I gasped, turning round and then losing my breath even more. Hongjoong was right in front of me - literally inches away.   
“I got it.” He said with a smile. He reached up, using his few more inches of height to his advantage and slotting the book neatly into the shelf. When he returned to the ground I didn’t know what to say.  
“Er…thanks.” I looked up at him for a few more seconds, before emotions got the better of me and I ducked away.  
“You’re welcome,” was the reply I heard as I rushed back to the cart.

We carried on in the same vain for the rest of the books - Hongjoong asking me a question, me responding and ultimately getting flustered by something. I wished that I was able to hold his gaze for more than three seconds, that my heart wouldn’t race when he brushed past me or that the witty responses that I normally gave Wooyoung or Mom wouldn’t get stuck in my throat. I still viewed Hongjoong as something ethereal, and I needed to get over that before we could have any kind of real friendship. 

Finally it was the last book, which happened to be in the section Hongjoong needed. As I searched for his, I noticed all of the texts were about language learning.   
“You’re studying Thai?” Hongjoong seemed surprised that this time it was me asking the questions.   
“Yeah,” he replied, “I’m travelling there this summer so want to know a few phrases before I go.” Wow. That was pretty cool.  
“Do you travel a lot?” I imagined Hongjoong on a deserted beach somewhere, the wind blowing through his hair as he walked along the golden sands and dipped his toes in the ocean.   
“As much as I can. Once I’m finished with studying I want to go around the world, see as many places as I can.” I envied his ambition greatly. The only plans I had for the summer were working at the library and probably vacationing with Wooyoung wherever he went. 

“Where is one place that you really want to go to?” This question in particular produced a different reaction that I imagine Hongjoong was expecting. Immediately I shrunk into myself, bowing my head and feeling my cheeks go red. “What? Did I say something wrong?” The older boy asked, confused.  
“You’re gonna think it’s stupid…” I said meekly. I remembered the first time I had told Wooyoung about my dream - how he had laughed and said it was ridiculous, especially in Chicago. I almost didn’t want to tell the older boy, knowing what little credibility I had with him would probably be shattered in the process.   
“I won’t! I promise…” Not quite believing, but for some reason plucking up the courage to follow his words anyway, I straightened my back and looked across at the opposite shelf.  
“Space.”  
“Space?” Darn. I had ruined everything. Now Hongjoong was going to write me off as a childish idiot, whose only dream was unobtainable and weird. Why had I even- “That’s so cool!”

For a second I wondered if I had heard right. My head flashed over to check the other boy’s expression, to see if any part of him was laughing or making fun of me. Instead all I saw was the face of someone impressed.   
“You want to be an astronaut?” A strange feeling came over me. I had only told a few people about my unique career desire. Obviously when you were four years old, saying you wanted to travel to space wasn’t exactly unusual. But my interest in the world beyond had continued all the way through to teenagedom. Now finally someone was listening to it.   
“Yeah.” I replied, blushing now because of the excited way Hongjoong was looking at me, not because of my confession. “But it’s really hard and I probably won’t ever-“  
“Wow,” the older boy leant back against the bookshelves, looking up wistfully towards the ceiling of the library, “I never even thought about space…” Suddenly he turned towards me, eyes bright. “Now I wanna go.” I bit my lip. Going anywhere with Hongjoong sounded like the best possible thing on the planet, but going to space… I cleared my throat and turned back towards my task.

“Well here’s your book.” Placing the hardcover ceremoniously on the cart, I smiled and self congratulated my own hard work. “And the last one we need to put away also goes here.”  
“Oh,” Hongjoong pushed himself away from the bookshelves and strolled over to the cart. Casually he picked up the one remaining book I needed to deposit and tossed it gently between his hands. “You mean this one?”  
“Yep.” I held out my hand, expecting him to pass it over, but suddenly a devilish look spread across the other boy’s face.  
“If you want it,” he said teasingly, “come and get it.”

The combination of the words I had just heard and the expression on Hongjoong’s face temporarily left me paralyzed - unable to move or do anything except let my mouth drop open. Then the older boy dangled the book teasingly in front of my face and I realised I was going to have to do this the hard way.  
“Fine.” I lunged out, but he was too quick, snatching the book away before I was even close. My stomach crashed into the cart and I let out an oomph of disappointment.   
“1-0.” Hongjoong teased, his tone playful but rage inducing at the same time. Pushing the cart to the side I stalked forward towards him and tried again, this time faking one way and suddenly leaping the other. Again he was too fast.  
“Wow,” he said sounding impressed as he held the book high up in the air so I couldn’t reach it, “you’re actually pretty good.” I stretched up onto my tiptoes and reached out a hand, desperately waving it about under the dangling book and making little sounds of exertion as I tried to reach the extra few inches.   
“Come on,” Hongjoong teased again, “you can do it…” 

Suddenly I had an idea. Letting my hand drop down I pushed lightly on the other boy’s stomach. As he wasn’t expecting it, he lost his balance and fell towards the bookshelves on the other side of the aisle. In one swift motion I darted forward - swiping the book from his flailing hands as he struggled to regain his footing and holding it up triumphantly.

At least, that’s what would have happened.

The first part went fine. Hongjoong’s shocked expression as his arms flailed was pretty satisfying, so much so that I rushed forward a little too eagerly. As my feet struggled to catch up with each other, I suddenly found myself tripping, falling forward too fast and landing… straight into his chest. 

“Hnnph.” It took a few seconds for me to realise where I was. Then I felt the softness of Hongjoong’s cotton shirt on my face, and lifted my head up to see him staring back down at me. Immediately my whole face turned scarlet.  
“Ohmygod.” Jumping away like I’d been electrocuted I felt my heart beating at a hundred miles an hour. Why had I got that close to him? Now my brain was filled with the feeling of his shirt against my skin, the indefinable but utterly attractive scent that radiated off of him, the way his eyelashes had looked from above… I cursed my clumsiness and wondered how I had even gotten myself into this situation in the first place. This wasn’t right…  
“Are you ok?” Hongjoong seemed to notice my distress, but his stepping forward only made the situation worse.  
“I have to go!” Without saying another word I turned and ran away, darting through the shelves until I reached the open space of the library reception.  
“Seonghwa wait! What about the-” 

Sherri was still typing something on the computer as I dashed passed her. I gave her only a second to look at me with confused eyes, before I shouted that I was going on my break and left the calls of Hongjoong behind.

———

“Ugh I’m so tense.” The sound of Ariana Grande playing softly through Wooyoung’s expensive bluetooth speakers filtered around the room in strange surround sound. My friend rolled over on his large bed, which I was perched upon the edge of, and looked up at me with puppy dog eyes. “Can you give me a massage?” It was funny that, despite how many times I had hung out here, this bedroom still felt strange and unobtainable to me. Wooyoung reached out a hand and pawed at my leg until eventually I sighed and gave in.  
“Fine.” Leaping with an excited yelp to a seated position, the smaller boy shuffled backwards and tapped on his shoulders, eager for me to begin. I closed the final distance myself, my knees touching the small of his back as I reached out and began to move my thumbs. Wooyoung let out a long sigh.  
“You are so good at this.” It was true, I did have a lot of practice. Somehow my best friend was always getting me to brush his hair or rub suncream on his back. But I didn’t mind. As I continued to massage his shoulders, I thought about what I had been doing yesterday in the library, and if I should tell Wooyoung about it.

“I’m thinking about breaking up with Hongjoong.” Instantly my whole body tensed. Whether it was about the fact my thoughts had seemingly morphed into the conversation, or the actual words my best friend had spoken, I suddenly found myself unable to speak. Wooyoung turned his head after a few seconds, obviously perturbed by my lack of reaction.  
“Hwa?”  
“Mmmmn?” The strain in my voice was painfully evident. I continued moving my fingers to distract from the situation and Wooyoung returned to face forward again.  
“I don’t think it’s working. Me and him…” How was I supposed to feel about this? On the one hand, I should support my friend, even encourage him not to give up. But on the other… What did this even mean?  
“Really?” My response was still lame, but at least continued the conversation.   
“Yeah. He’s just so clingy all the time, always asking to hang out and texting me about where I am, what I’m doing… I thought older boys were supposed to be more mature.” That was funny. Every time I had hung out with the couple it always seemed like Wooyoung was all over Hongjoong, not the other way around. But maybe I was only seeing what I wanted to see. 

“What do you think I should do?” The question made me pause. Now I had to make a choice, one that would potentially define not only my friendship with Wooyoung, but also my future happiness.   
“Ummm…” Wooyoung reached back his hand to playfully push against my arm.  
“Come on! Tell me what you think!” He said teasingly. I was running out of time to stall.   
“Well I guess…” Wooyoung turned around again and I sighed, letting my own selfish desires win. “I guess if you’re not happy then you should break up with him.” An unreadable expression crossed over my best friend’s face.  
“Really?” He laughed and suddenly I felt insecure. “You want me to break up with Hongjoong?”  
“NO!” The defensiveness of my reply only made my friend laugh more. “I mean, I don’t _want_ you to do anything, I just want you to be happy.”  
“Sure, sure…” Wooyoung chuckled to himself and I wondered how the conversation had switched so rapidly to me. Did he suspect anything? Maybe I hadn’t been covert enough with my pining. 

“I mean, I guess he makes me happy most of the time…” My friend continued speaking, titling his head to the side in a motion for me to move my fingers to that area, “Cause he’s smoking hot you know? Who wouldn’t want that?” I nodded my head, gritting my teeth behind my lips and trying to look agreeable. “And the sex- OW!” Wooyoung jerked forward, his right shoulder ducking down so my hands slipped away from it and fell to my side. As he lifted his other arm up to rub at the muscle I bit my lip guiltily.   
“Sorry,” I murmured. For a second my friend looked annoyed, but he quickly forgave me and turned around.   
“Let’s stop that now,” he said, “do you want Theresa to make us cookies?”


	3. Chapter 3

October 31st. Halloween.

Wooyoung was famous at school for throwing the most raging Halloween parties - even his parents okayed it and went out of town for the weekend, leaving the au pair in charge. Most of the senior class were invited, but only a select few were allowed to come to the house beforehand, to help prepare.

As I rang the doorbell and listened to the sound echo through the entrance room I fidgeted my hands nervously. This was something I did every year, but somehow it felt different now that I knew that Honjoong would also be here helping. We hadn’t really spoken since I had run away from him at the library, mostly because I had avoided him at all costs, but he seemed to be ok with it. Perhaps it was best that I kept my distance whilst my feelings were still fresh. As I waited for someone to open the door I cricked my neck from side to side and tried to release some of the tension that was building in my muscles. 

“Hi Woo-“ I began a cheery greeting as the door finally swung open, however stopped short when I saw who had answered it.  
“Hi.” Immediately my face flushed scarlet. Hongjoong was only dressed casually, but the effortless way he held himself always sent my heart racing.   
“Oh!” My eyes shot to the ground and I scratched the back of my neck for no reason. Hongjoong let out a light chuckle.  
“Long time no see…” He said. I felt the guilt pooling in my stomach, and lifted my eyes up briefly to see him looking at me with a mixture of amusement, but also slight sadness.  
“Yeah, um…” I began, before I realised I didn’t know what excuse I had for my obvious MIA, “…I’ve been busy.” Thankfully Hongjoong didn’t press me on it. Taking a step backwards, he allowed me into the cavernous entrance room, where I began quickly looking around for Wooyoung.   
“Woo?” I called hesitantly. I could feel Hongjoong’s presence behind me and I knew if we were left along any longer I would have to talk to him again. Thankfully my best friend appeared at the sound of my voice.

“Hwa!” He ran over, giving me a big hug and looking excited when we pulled away. “Thanks for coming - this year is going to be the best one yet!” I smiled back, amused by his enthusiasm. The sound of Hongjoong approaching filtered into my ears, but I ignored it and continued to look forward.   
“What can I do to help?”

\---

The afternoon was filled with a flurry of activity. Wooyoung set everyone straight to work, putting up decorations and preparing food. Eventually I found myself peeling carrots in the kitchen by myself. Though the work was monotonous, it found it almost therapeutic. Like the carrot, I wished I could just peel away my scars and rotten parts, leaving the smooth clean new version underneath. But not everything was that easy. 

As I hummed a Halloween song to myself, suddenly the sound of a new person entering the room filled my ears. I knew who it was before he even spoke.  
“There you are…” It took everything within me to avoid physically turning away, but I managed to look up and give a quick smile, before quickly returning to my job. I could have sworn Hongjoong let out a sigh. For about a minute or so I focused only on the carrot, staring at it intently as though it were the only thing in the world that mattered. Hongjoong started working beside me, saying nothing until finally he placed his knife neatly on the table and looked over. 

“So…I get the feeling you’re avoiding me.” I almost dropped the peeler I was holding, my mouth letting out a stutter that betrayed me instantly. As I looked up at Hongjoong I saw the look on his face was amused.  
“No!” I burbled back, already too defensive. “I…”  
“It’s ok.” The response confused me a little. Hongjoong really didn’t mind? Where was all the accusatory statements, the paranoia that I didn’t like him or that he had done something wrong? I was so used to hearing it from other people that for a second I waited for the punchline. But none came. “Sometimes I want to be alone too.” I felt a strange sense of calm, but also like my gut had been punched.   
“Oh…” I wasn’t sure what my tone meant, but the other boy didn’t say anything more. As he picked the knife back up and continued chopping carrots I realised I was utterly confused, but not with Hongjoong. With myself. 

“What are you going to be tonight?” The question was so sudden I didn’t realise it had come out of my own mouth until Hongjoong looked up at me again. “I mean…what costume…” The older boy sighed.   
“Wooyoung wanted to do a couples costume,” he began, sounding less than enthusiastic about the idea (which I secretly liked), “but I managed to talk him out of that one. He was still in charge of the buying though.” I nodded my head, trying to focus on what he was saying and not the way his jawline looked from this particular angle beside me. “What about you?” I blushed, realising I was also going to have to answer.  
“Um…” I began, looking down and twiddling my fingers, “it’s kind of lame, but my uncle used to be a mailman so…” again I waited for the laughter, but nothing came. As I braved a glance up I saw Hongjoong looking at me with a gaze that transfixed me.  
“That sounds cool.” He said. “I’m sure whatever you wear will look good.” I couldn’t shake the feeling I had whenever he looked at me like that. I wanted to just let it all out and confess. I really wanted to…  
“Hongjoong-“ 

Suddenly the door flew open and everyone in the room jumped in shock. I gripped the side of the table and wondered if divine intervention had just occurred - I had really been about to tell Hongjoong how I felt?  
“There you are!” Wooyoung bounded over, grabbing Hongjoong with one hand and me with the other. “Stop doing that and come and get ready - it’s party time!”

\---

I wasn’t sure if it were possible for there to be more people inside Wooyoung’s house than the last time - but I think it had happened. Every corner you turned there were more and more new faces - some still fairly sober and others staggering around like baby deer. As I dodged a boy careering past with his superhero cape flying behind him I wondered why I did this every year. Nobody here cared about me except Wooyoung. I had friends - but only really through him. All I ever did at his parties was stand around and wait for either him to acknowledge and hang out with me, or for the evening to end. Fun. 

Deciding that the corridors were too dangerous, I headed out towards a more open space, which ended up being the kitchen. Here there were still a few people, but also snacks. I walked over to the largely untouched crudités and looked wistfully at the carrots I had peeled earlier lying in a dish - now thinly sliced. They didn’t have to dress up in a costume, or pretend to like anyone… Wow - it was only 9pm, but I had already aspired to be a carrot twice that day. I was so engrossed in my own self disgust that I didn’t notice anyone appearing beside me, until a voice sounded.

“Thinking about sampling your handiwork?” Without thinking I looked over, then choked on my own saliva. Hongjoong had dressed up alright. His tight black trousers fit snugly against his thighs, a large belt resting around his waist with a walkie-talkie and a gun holster hanging off it, and on his torso a black shirt with just enough of the buttons undone to send my thoughts into a complete tailspin. I didn’t think his costume was purposefully supposed to be sexy - but he made it so.  
“Hey, are you ok?” Suddenly Hongjoong’s expression turned to one of concern, now that I was literally choking. He lifted up his arm to slap me on the back but it only made me look at his muscled arms and choke even more. I jolted at the slaps, gradually regaining composure but also wishing he could slap me in the face too, and finally his arm went back down.  
“Yeah, sorry, just…” I couldn’t even think of anything to say, so didn’t. Hongjoong adjusted the policeman hat that was resting jauntily on his head and smiled.   
“You look cute.” Seriously - what was this guy trying to do to me? I really was going to pass out if he didn’t let up. I heard a laugh and realised the older boy found my raised eyebrows amusing… wait - was he flirting with me? There was something about the way he was looking at me right now - either he was a little drunk, or I was.   
“Um…” I stammered some more, looking at the floor and then back up to see him still smiling at me.   
“Has nobody ever told you you look cute before?” My cheeks turned an even deeper shade of red and I pulled my mailbag up over my face. Hongjoong reached over to swat it away but I dodged, this time letting out a laugh.   
“Hey! You need to let loose sometimes!” The other boy was still laughing, but there was a more serious tone to his voice, like he was giving me advice. “And accept compliments.”   
“Fine.” I said, pretending to pout, but ending up smiling bashfully instead. Hongjoong was about to say something else, when suddenly he was assaulted from behind and almost fell forward into me.

“JOOONGIEEEE!!!” Wooyoung wrapped his arms around his boyfriend’s shoulders, launching himself onto his back and clinging onto him as the older boy staggered to stay upright. He began to wriggle around, still shouting the pet name loudly so people around us began to stare, and I reached out to tap my best friend on the arm.  
“Woo…” Eventually he jumped back down, still oblivious to the scene he was making. I got a full look at his outfit and then found my eyebrows raising again for a different reason.  
“Joongie I’ve been a bad boy, arrest me!” Lolling onto Hongjoong’s shoulder Wooyoung smiled lazily and I realised he was way past drunk - he was full blown wasted. Hongjoong tried to ease the situation by taking hold of his boyfriend’s shoulders lightly and steadying him, but Wooyoung didn’t take the hint.   
“You’re so sexy…” He reached forward and grabbed a pair of handcuffs that were also attached to Hongjoong’s belt. “Take me upstairs and fuck me wearing these.”   
“Wooyoung…”   
“Come on! Like we did before - you know - a few weeks-“ Suddenly Hongjoong coughed loudly and reached his hand out to cover Wooyoung’s mouth. The older boy’s eyes flashed over to me and I saw embarrassment and worry in them.   
“We didn’t-“  
“Baby what are you doing? Is this role-play?” Suddenly I found myself feeling sick. Hongjoong hadn’t been flirting with me. He was too mature and experienced for insecure guys like me. From the way Wooyoung was talking it sounded like they had done more than I’d thought, and now the possibility of anything, even the tiniest thing, seemed far away.  
“It’s fine.” I mumbled, already beginning to turn away as my hope faded into the distance.   
“Seonghwa!” Ignoring the noises behind me, I walked out of the kitchen, but not before I grabbed a bottle of whisky from the counter. If Hongjoong wanted me to let loose, I would let loose…

\---

The world was great. A little out of focus, but great.

The first few sips of straight whiskey had been absolutely disgusting, so much so that I’d almost spit them out, but once I had gotten over the initial shock, the burning sensation in my throat had become numbing instead. I gave in to the wave of haziness that spread over me and began to feel my troubles float away. So what Hongjoong and I would never be together. At least him and Wooyoung were happy, and Wooyoung was my best friend. His happiness was my happiness. 

The room I was in had music blaring loudly from one corner and in my awakened state, suddenly it seemed like something I wanted to dance to. I couldn’t believe I had never been this drunk before - it was easy to see why people used alcohol to escape. My body began to move, swaying backwards and forwards in a way that was probably incredibly ungainly, but to me felt like I was a premier ballet dancer. I lifted up my arms and let my head fall backwards, giving myself into the music completely. Screw Hongjoong, screw everyone…

“Hey there.” The sound of a voice made me lift my head up, but it wasn’t who I was expecting. Finally someone other than Hongjoong cared to sneak up on me. The person in question was someone I didn’t recognise from school - possibly one of the sophomores that had also been invited. He was very tall and pretty handsome, although it was hard to tell his body shape due to the bulky football jersey he was wearing. I admired his lack of effort in his costume - clearly he was confident enough to not care.  
“Hi.” It seemed the alcohol had also dulled my shyness - I answered without caring if he stayed around or not. The boy seemed to like this, looking me up and down with interest.   
“I haven’t seen you around before.” He said with a smile.  
“I’m Wooyoung’s friend,” I replied, wondering internally why I didn’t tack on the ‘best’ this time. “And I don’t really like parties.” The boy laughed again, rubbing the back of his neck with his hand.  
“Well you seem to like this one.”   
“That’s because of my friend here.” Holding up the bottle of whiskey that was now half empty, I smiled and both of us laughed again. “Want some?” The boy nodded, but instead of handing the bottle over, I beckoned for him to open his mouth and then poured some of the liquid inside. Were we flirting? It was hard to tell in my inebriated state, but I did know I liked the feeling of his gaze on me. I took another large swig, the burning now a source of comfort to me. I wanted to get so drunk I couldn’t even remember my own name. 

As if on cue, I suddenly stumbled forward a little, my balance beginning to fail me. Hands reached out, and my new friend moved closer.  
“Woah there.” I was instantly aware of how close we were, his breath brushing against my cheek as he looked down at me. I expected him to step away, but instead his hands slipped down to my waist.  
“Don’t worry,” he whispered, his tone lowering a few steps, “I got you.” This seemed a little sudden, but the alcohol, combined with my desperate need for validation after being rejected by Hongjoong meant that I didn’t pull away. Instead I giggled.  
“You’re funny.” If the boy said something in return, I didn’t hear it. Instead he began to dance, pulling me along with him so our bodies moved in unison and also slightly rubbed together. The feeling was so nice I began to let my head loll back again, until I suddenly felt a hand push it upright from the back.  
“Don’t look away from me.” The boy said. Something about the statement made me a little uneasy, but I pushed it to the side and let his hands begin to run across my body.  
“Do you like this?” The boy asked. I let out a noise of approval and he brought his lips to my ear.  
“Want to take it upstairs?” 

Suddenly there was a jolting sensation. I felt something grab my arm, and then yank me roughly from my warm haven and back into reality.  
“HEY!” I bumped into another warm body, and then realised that both me and the other boy had yelled the same statement simultaneously. My vision was too blurry to see who had interrupted my happy time, but whoever it was was holding onto me very tightly.  
“Get lost Brody - he is not one of your conquests.” I tried to fight through the fog in my brain to figure out where I knew the voice from - it was so familiar…  
“But we were having a good time!”  
“If you touch him again I will rip you limb from limb.” There was a brief moment of silence, my protector and the other boy clearly having some kind of stand-off, until the latter muttered something under his breath and walked away. 

A second later I felt myself being turned roughly around.  
“Seonghwa!” The voice said, filled with anxiety. The person dropped down so that their head was level with mine and looked at me with concern. “Are you alright?” I blinked my eyes a few times, the image before me swimming backwards and forwards a few times before it finally came into focus and I realised who was before me.  
“Hongjoong?” Without me even realising it, a wave of drunken emotion came over me, filling me with happiness and relief so without thinking I launched myself forward and threw my arms around him. 

“Ooof!” The weight of my body knocked Hongjoong backwards, causing him to stumble. I didn’t care, burying my face into his shoulder and gripping as tightly as I could.  
“Seonghwa, are you ok?” Now the concern in Hongjoong’s voice was replaced with wariness. For a few seconds I didn’t reply, just enjoying the feeling of being close to him.  
“I missed you…” I murmured quietly.   
“You mustn’t ever go near guys like Brody,” my friend continued. He pried my body away from his with his fingers and held me far away enough that he could look me in the eyes, “they’re only after one thing. And don’t listen to what Wooyoung said, we never-“  
“-I don’t want to be cute.” My words cut off the sentence Hongjoong had been about to finish. He paused, looking at me in confusion.  
“What?”   
“Before. You said I was cute.” There was a definite slur to my voice. I still had the rush of confidence from the whisky and words were coming our of my mouth straight from my brain. No logic filter. “I don’t want to be that.”  
“Then what do you-“  
“-I want to be sexy!” My arms were still linked around the back of Hongjoong’s neck. The way we were standing right now, was like two lovers locked in a passionate embrace. I could feel Hongjoong’s hands on my waist and the feeling sent another rush of adrenaline through me.   
“Seonghwa…”  
“Everyone else is sexy! Why can’t I be?!” Throwing my head back, I tried to give him a sexy glance, but it only seemed to make Hongjoong laugh. My frustration grew.  
“Don’t laugh!” I tugged on his neck and our heads moved closer unintentionally. I carried on my stream of consciousness without realising the way my friend was looking at me.  
“If I’m sexy then maybe I can be like Wooyoung and you’ll like me…” My head was swimming, but I focused on Hongjoong’s face and saw he was staring at me intently.  
“I do like you,” he said. 

And then I kissed him.

The second our lips touched, I realised what I was doing. My eyes widened to saucers, my whole body going tense and a thousand alarm bells ringing in my brain. What had I done.  
“Seonghwa!” Without even realising I had started to run. Hongjoong called behind me but I raced through the kitchen, clipping a guy in a Grim Reaper costume so he shouted at me, but I ignored it. My feet pounded against the expensive tiling, my vision suddenly clear as I focused on getting out and as far away as possible from what had just happened. 

Somehow I made it outside. There were a few people hanging out around the entrance but I dodged past them and raced towards the street. It was cold outside and the air bit against my face, another sobering reality.  
“SEONGHWA!” I heard my name and grit my teeth to run faster, knowing who was behind me. The front gate was so close, but apparently my drunken feet couldn’t run faster than a sophomore. Hongjoong jumped in front of me and blocked my way to freedom. 

“Seonghwa wait!” He exclaimed again. Now that I had stopped, all the blood suddenly rushed to my head. I began to stumble and Hongjoong stepped forward to help me, but I shot out a hand to stop him.  
“DON’T COME NEAR ME!” The fear in my voice was thanks to my actions. How could I have been so stupid? I covered my face with my hands and tried to stay upright.  
“Seonghwa, you need to sit down-“  
“STOP IT!” I shouted, “Stop pretending like this is ok! I just kissed you!” My voice was desperate. How could I have let my emotions overtake me? I had betrayed my friend, I didn’t deserve to be near him. Hongjoong tried to step forward once again and I swung my hand at him like a sword.  
“Seonghwa listen-“  
“No YOU LISTEN! You need to stay away from me, because I can’t control myself. I’m sorry.” I made a dart to the side to try and escape, but Hongjoong was too fast. He grabbed hold of me and I struggled, kicking and screaming at him to let go. Eventually I decided the only thing to do was to stop him by force.  
“I said let me GO!” My hand flew out and struck Hongjoong in the face. He cried out in pain, letting me go for just long enough so I could escape. As I thundered off down the street, my whole head was throbbing and I felt like my brain was on fire. I didn’t stop until I was four blocks down, slumping down behind a dumpster and getting my phone out to call for my mom, before the tears suddenly gushed out and I sobbed into my mailbag.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this update has taken so long! I hope you guys are still reading! And please comment if you like it!


	4. Chapter 4

Ouch.

My head felt like a thousand hammers were beating it repeatedly. As I opened my eyes and saw only the blackness of my pillow, I tried moving my head an inch to the left and instantly regretted it. So this is what they always said about hangovers.

The memories of the night before were fuzzy. I remembered holding the whiskey bottle in my hand, the boy that had come over to say things to me, then wrapping my arms tightly around Hongjoong and feeling his warmth…

Hongjoong.

I groaned, and then cried out as another shooting pain raced through my head from the movement.

Suddenly there was a knock on the door, which I acknowledged by grunting. When it opened I still didn’t move.  
“Seonghwa?” Mom didn’t sound too angry. I had been pretty inconsolable when she had picked me up, confessing to everything and sobbing drunkenly into her shoulder as she helped me into the car. I guess this was the first time I had some anything semi-illegal. 

I heard the sound of her moving softly towards the bed, then a hand rubbing lightly on my shoulder.  
“How are you feeling?”  
“Everything hurts.” I replied honestly. A soft chuckle fell from my mother’s lips.  
“Your first hangover.” She said with amusement. “It seems you started with a bang.” Something was placed on the table beside my bed and suddenly I was being pulled upwards.  
“Aaaaah!” The light was blinding and my head spun. My arms flailed out to try and stop the movement from happening but Mom was surprisingly strong.  
“If you lie here all day you’ll only feel worse.” As my eyes finally adjusted to the light, I saw a tray of soup sitting beside me. Mom dragged over a chair and sat beside the bed, looking at me with loving eyes.  
“Aren’t you mad?” I asked, the meekness and embarrassment evident in my tone.  
“A little,” she replied, “It’s very irresponsible to over drink.” She picked up the bowl of soup and scooped up a serving, before holding it out to me expectantly. “But you’re a teenager. It makes sense for you to try things.” I was shocked. I had expected to be grounded for the next five years, locked in my bedroom and banned from everything. But apparently my self-humiliation was enough. Feeling even more repentant, I opened my mouth and let her slip the soup inside. It felt warm and soothing. 

We sat in silence for a while, Mom feeding me the soup and me gradually gathering my strength because of it.  
“What were you saying about that boy?” Suddenly she spoke again and my eyes widened, “Hongjoong? You kept saying something bad happened.” My cheeks flushed bright red.  
“Um…” I debated for a few seconds about what to do. If I kept quiet, I knew Mom wouldn’t pressure me. But at the same time I was struggling to cope with this by myself. Suddenly the words all spilt out. I told her everything - right from the moment I had first set eyes on him, to the final look he had given as I had run away crying. When I had finished I felt exhausted, but strangely relieved too.  
“Oh Seonghwa…” Mom reached up to gently ruffle my hair, a look in her eyes of motherly love. “You did nothing wrong.”  
“But, he was-“  
“It’s ok to feel things,” she continued, cutting off my protests, “and if it didn’t work out…” My face fell again. It hadn’t worked out. I had humiliated myself - I didn’t think I would be able to look at Hongjoong or Wooyoung in the face again.   
“Eat the rest of your soup.” Ruffling my hair affectionately, Mom rose to her feet and left me alone in the room. For a second, I stared down at the bowl, seeing my reflection in the viscous liquid. Then I picked up the spoon and began to eat. 

By around 1pm I was feeling much better. Even though my head still felt woozy and my stomach occasionally lurched uncomfortably, it was manageable. I even found the strength to leave my bedroom, making my way to the living room to watch TV whilst Mom looked on and checked I was ok every so often. It was almost like the previous evening had never happened. Almost…

Suddenly as I was watching a great episode of Judge Judy, my phone began to buzz. I looked at the caller name and immediately felt my stomach drop. 

Wooyoung.

This was it. The moment where our friendship fell apart after years. I thought about declining the call, not wanting to face the moment in my delicate state, but eventually I pulled myself together.  
“Come on…” I murmured to myself, “you can do this…” With a deep breath I picked up the phone and pressed answer.

“Hey Woo-“  
“-You are not going to believe what just happened.” Hmmm. There wasn’t a sense of malice in my best friend’s voice, nor an immediate flurry of insults. But surely he had to have found out…  
“What?” I said tentatively. Wooyoung paused for dramatic effect, then finally spoke.  
“Hongjoong broke up with me.”

WHAT.

It was hard to hide the utter shock in my reaction. Broken up??  
“I know right?! How ridiculous!” Wooyoung had taken my garbling as a response, and continued to talk. “Hongjoong, break up with ME? He was all over me!” I still couldn’t process the thoughts in my brain. Surely this couldn’t have had anything to do with me. Perhaps Hongjoong had felt so guilty over our kiss that he couldn’t be with Wooyoung anymore, perhaps he had decided he wanted to be single forever…  
“What did he say?” My voice was small, but slightly hopeful. If Wooyoung noticed he didn’t say anything.  
“Some bullshit about me being too drunk at the party and that he was interested in someone else - I wasn’t even that dru-“  
“-Someone else??” Oh my god. My head was spinning, and for once it had nothing to do with my hangover.   
“Yeah, can you believe it? As if anyone could be better than me.”  
“That’s awful…” It was getting more and more difficult to be sympathetic. My heart was beginning to race and my brain was going down avenues that I hadn’t even thought were open to me. Suddenly the doorbell rang.  
“I’ll get it!” As I rose to my feet and began to make my way towards the front door, Wooyoung continued to babble at me. It was a good job he was so preoccupied on talking smack about Hongjoong’s new love interest, because I was being a terrible friend right now.   
“If I ever find out who that piece of shit is I’ll beat the crap out of them.” I made a noise in agreement as I reached the hallway. I could see a figure through the glass in the door and removed the catch with my finger.   
“Hwa, come over right now. I’m depressed and I need someone to comfort me.” As I opened up the door with one hand, the reply on the tip of my tongue fell right out of my mouth wordlessly. 

Standing in the doorway, was none other than Hongjoong. 

“Hwa? Hwa? Did you hear me?” I was unable to move. Hongjoong looked like he had showered, but also seemed a little disheveled, as if he had run from somewhere. Wooyoung down the phone became more irate.  
“Hwa! Are you coming over? Bring ice cream!”  
“Um…” With my eyes fixed on Hongjoong, I spoke slowly and carefully, not wanting my best friend to realise telepathically who was in front of me. “I think I’m gonna have to call you back…”  
“What? Hwa what are you doing? I need you right now! Hwa? HWA-“ I pressed the end call button and let my hand drop down to my side. Hongjoong still hadn’t moved or said anything and I was beginning to wonder if I was dreaming. 

“Was that…?” He asked suddenly. I looked down at the phone, before glancing up again and being hit once more with the fact that Hongjoong was here at _my house_. Broken up Hongjoong…  
“Um…” Words were failing me when I needed them most. I glanced down at my feet and was reminded that I wasn’t wearing shoes. I even still had pyjama pants on… Oh god.   
“Can I come in?” My eyes flashed up again, shock clearly registering in them at Hongjoong’s words. Did he want to…? “It’s cold out here.” Oh wow. I was being a terrible host. I hurriedly went to open the door, before remembering who this was and what letting him into my house would mean. I needed to make sure I was prepared.  
“Um,” I began, still not believing this was happening, “would you excuse me for just one second?” Hongjoong seemed surprised, but his face stretched into a wide smile that made me weak at the knees and nodded.  
“Sure.”

As soon as the door shut, I flattened myself against it, trying not to hyperventilate. Why was Hongjoong here? Right now? There was only one thought in my brain, but it seemed too exciting to think about. It couldn’t possibly be true…  
“Come on Seonghwa…” I murmured to myself, “you can do this.” Getting out my phone, I switched on my front camera and groaned when I saw how disheveled I looked. Why had I drunk so much? Hastily trying to run my hands through my hair and make it look semi presentable, I pinched my lips and took another few deep breaths, before finally turning back round and opening the door again.  
“Hi again.” Hongjoong had a hint of laughter on his lips. I tried to focus only on putting on my best welcoming smile, and not letting my racing heartbeat show as I extended the door fully and let him inside. 

For a second I wished I lived somewhere completely different. Everything in my house seemed too boring, too cutesy and immature for someone as refined and beautiful as Hongjoong. I wished that I could stop time and change everything around - and brush my teeth too whilst I was at it. But Hongjoong seemed strangely happy standing in my hallway. After a few seconds of looking around, he spoke.  
“Your house is nice.” Feeling a blush colour my cheeks slighty, I nodded.  
“Thanks.” The conversation was extremely stilted on my part, but for some reason my friend still didn’t seem bothered.   
“I like it.” He said, with another breathtaking smile. Oh god. I was being a bad host again.

“Let me get you a drink!” The words came out in a flurry. I lurched forward towards the kitchen, eager to not be rude, but also to have another chance to compose myself again. I had taken one more galloping step, before suddenly something grabbed hold of my hand and held me back.   
“Actually…” I was jerked backwards and almost stumbled over, before the earnest look in Hongjoong’s eyes froze me all over again. “I wanted to talk to you about something.”  
“Oh?” My voice was strained - the thought that had been growing in my head getting bigger and bigger still. Hongjoong was still holding my hand and he pulled me a little closer towards him. I gulped.

“I guess you know Wooyoung and I broke up.” The older boy said. I wanted so badly for the thought in my head to be true, but I couldn’t bring myself to believe it.  
“Was it because of the party? I’m so sorry, I was stupid and-“ I had started to burble, shaking my hand free from Hongjoong’s and turning away, but this time he grabbed both of them, forcing me back into my original position.   
“Seonghwa! Stop running away.” I was stunned into silence. Hongjoong was only a foot away from me now, his hands gently gripping mine and his eyes fixed on me.  
“Wooyoung and I were never meant for each other,” he began. “If I’m honest, when I met him at the club he just seemed fun, and he offered to buy drinks for everyone…” He seemed ashamed of himself. I wanted to reach out my hand and touch his face, tell him that I didn’t care about the past, but then he continued again.   
“Dating him wasn’t a mistake, but I didn’t really feel anything, I hadn’t really felt anything for anyone before. Until I met you…” My breath caught in my throat. Hongjoong was so breathtakingly beautiful, and he was saying everything I had longed to hear. It was almost too much to process.  
“I knew how I felt the moment I saw you,” he continued, taking a step forward so my heartbeat raced almost out of my chest, “but I didn’t want to pressure you, so I waited. And then at the party yesterday…” Now I knew I had to say something. I felt like laughing, jumping and crying all at the same time, but finally managed to string the words together.  
“Do…do you…like me?” Hongjoong smiled. Taking one hand away from mine, he brought it up to gently cradled the side of my face. Then he leant forward and kissed me. 

Unlike our first kiss, there was no alcohol to dull the feelings inside me. It was like a thousand fireworks went off in my brain and every inch of my being cried out in pure ecstasy. Hongjoong tasted like spearmint toothpaste. The kiss was chaste, but as we pulled away I found my head still woozy from it.   
“Does that answer your question?” Hongjoong asked, grinning. For a second I was absolutely stunned, unable to say anything, or even breathe. But then I realised. _Hongjoong liked me._

“Oomph.” In a flurry of movement, I had released myself from Hongjoong’s grip, then thrown my arms around him - crushing my body to his and our lips together again. Hongjoong let out a little noise of surprise, but I cut him off immediately, kissing him as passionately as I could with all the emotions that had been building inside me rushing out. Our teeth clashed a little, but I carried on kissing, wanting to show him just how happy and excited I was. When Hongjoong broke us apart I was panting with exhaustion.   
“Woah.” The older boy was also out of breath, a mixture of amusement and happiness on his face. “That was…”  
“I can’t believe you really like me!” My voice was filled with joy and I bounced up and down like a child on Christmas. Hongjoong chuckled, placing my hands around his waist and then running his fingers through my hair.   
“I really, really, _really_ like you.” He said. This time he took the lead again with the kissing. The slower pace was actually much more pleasurable, but when I felt his tongue poke against my teeth I wasn’t sure how to proceed and ended up choking myself. 

“Are you ok?” Hongjoong asked, concern on his face as I coughed and felt my cheeks turn bright red from embarrassment.   
“Yes.” I replied between splutters. Once I had finally regained my breath, I looked down at the floor, mortified that my lack of experience had ruined our moment.  
“I’m sorry,” I murmured, “I’m not very good at kissing. This is my first time…” Hongjoong hooked his finger under my chin and pulled my head back up to face him.   
“Hey,” he said comfortingly, looking at me with an expression that made my heart burst with happiness, “we have plenty of time to practice…” I giggled and he smiled once more, leaning forward and kissing me softly on one cheek, then the other, along my jawline and then finally chastely on my lips.   
“Will you be my boyfriend?” He asked. I nodded my head, happier than I had ever been in my life in that split second.  
“Yes. A thousand times, yes.”


End file.
